The real me vs. ideal me

Lately I’ve been reading “The Happiness Project.” It’s a book by Gretchen Rubin, a former lawyer turned writer who lives on the Upper East Side with her financier husband, Jamie, and their two daughters, Eleanor and Eliza (ages 5 and 1 yrs). In short, they are loaded and she appears to have a full-time nanny and plenty of time on her hands. She is not depressed, unhappy in her marriage or having trouble disciplining unruly children.

But one day while riding a bus through NYC, she realizes she is letting her life pass her by without enjoying it as much as she could. She wants to see whether she can become happier. So she embarks on a research project as only a Type A lawyer could, reading all the literature and studies on what makes people happy, then launches a yearlong endeavor to focus on one self-improvement theme per month with four to five corresponding action points.

The first month, for example, she starts by boosting her energy (the theme). She decides to go to bed earlier, exercise smarter and clear out clutter (the action points). Her action points are based on research showing that getting enough sleep makes us happier and healthier, exercise increases endorphins and clutter saps energy spent searching for misplaced items amid disorder.

She thus starts logging off of her computer and turning off the TV to go to bed by 9:30 p.m., hires a personal trainer to do weight training three times a week (she’s already an avid runner), and clears out closets. She becomes such a clutter-clearing convert that she can’t seem to stop herself from trying to get her friends to let her come over and clean out their closets too.

All of this Gretchen tracks on a Resolutions Chart. Every month she adds another theme to work on (marriage, parenting, money, work, mindfulness, etc) with corresponding action points to change her habits. Unlike New Years’ resolutions, which tend to be one thing (and if you’re like me, the same thing every year: Lose 10 lbs), these resolutions build on each other, meaning she’s still doing the tasks from the month before while adding more each month.

Are we happier yet?

Along the way, she develops “12 Personal Commandments.” The first one is “Be Gretchen.” Part of becoming happier, she explains, is giving up her idea of who she wishes she could be. She admits she doesn’t like going to jazz clubs, jetting off to Paris for the weekend and prefers children’s literature (i.e. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and Harry Potter) to Tolstoy and Joyce.

Although I found the “Be Gretchen” phrase Pollyannaish and annoyingly self-involved, she did make me think about the gap between who I am and who I wish I was — an eternal struggle for many of us, I assume, and the reason her book became a bestseller.  

When it comes to “Being Laurie,” I’m pretty good at it. I don’t typically pretend to like things I don’t to protect my rep. I readily admit that I dislike plays, get bored at the symphony, hate Indie rock and pass on plenty of artsy, independent (typically depressing and slow) films that Dave wants to see. I’ll never forget the reaction of one of Dave’s Princeton-educated cousins, Pete, when I told him I didn’t like Shakespeare. “Not many people will admit that,” he said.

If anything, I’ve had to learn to tone down my opinions about right and wrong, coolest thing ever and overrated, which is really just a sad attempt to make myself feel better about not following the crowd. The easiest way to save face is to make other people wrong.

I was, however, impressed with a few things that Gretchen got herself to do. She stopped snacking on what she calls “fake food,” kept up her new exercise regime, stopped nagging her husband, started a blog and formed a children’s literature book club. Whenever I try to change a bad habit or establish a good one, I have to tread lightly. I’m a rebel at heart and tend to resist anything too rigid — even if I’m the one imposing the discipline. There’s a reason my mom had the book, “The Strong-Willed Child” on her bedside while raising me and now I’m left with the job of navigating my own belligerence.

When I was a teenager desperate to lose weight, for example, I’d draft elaborate calendars of plans for what I would eat each day, how much I would exercise (20 minutes on the exercise bike, 20 min. on the treadmill, 10 min. on rowing machine) and how much weight I would lose by such and such date based on an estimated 2-pound weight loss per week. Then I’d proceed to eat five microwaved quesadillas and a loaf of heavily buttered cinnamon toast while laying on the couch watching “The Phil Donahue Show.” Needless to say, I didn’t lose weight and hated myself even more.

So how to change ourselves without hating ourselves? The 12-step adage says acceptance is the answer to all our problems today. So when it comes to my shortcomings, I try to ease into changes rather than summon my inner drill sergeant. The trouble is, progress is slow and inconsistent. I’m often left feeling undisciplined and dissatisfied, dreaming of a future in which I would magically develop the willpower to do all the things that would make me a better me (with thinner thighs and a daily meditation practice).

When I was in my 20s, I remember telling a therapist about my struggle with body image, that I was certain I would be a happier person if I just lost 10 pounds. She shrugged and said, “It must not be that important to you.”

What??? Of course it’s important to me.

“If it was truly important to you, you would do it,” she said. “Think of all the other things that are important to you: family, friends, making a living. You have no problem nurturing and pursuing those things.”

Shit.

And that’s what she was essentially telling me: Shit or get off the pot. Do something about it or let it go. Maybe “Being Laurie” means being 140 lbs instead of 130.

No! Stop! Unacceptable!

So is it time to start my own Happiness Project? To see if like Gretchen, I can stop doing the niggly things that create an undercurrent of dis-ease? I’m not sure yet. But if I were to set upon a 365-day course of action to move closer to the ideal me, here are some of the things ideal me would do:

1. Cardio for 30 min 4 X wk

2. Yoga 3 X wk

3. Meditate 15 min / day

4. Cut out junk food, soft drinks, snacking

5. Floss

6. Wash, exfoliate and moisturize every day

7. Wear necklaces (love buying them, never wear them)

8. Blog 3 X wk

9. Refrain from family gossip (but it’s so delicious!)

10. Speak directly to the person I’m upset with (rather than everyone else around them)

11. Complain less

12. Be more accepting of others (See No. 9)

13. Wear only clothes I love, feel fashionable in

14. Form a karaoke club

15. Stop checking email 300 times a day

Okay, okay. You get the point. Thanks for indulging me being me. And if you suddenly notice I’m a brighter, shinier me, you’ll know what happened. I either exfoliated or let it go.